What to Expect When Marrying A Convert, Not A Party Girl Turned Into Khadijah

Marrying a convert can have its ups and downs. Some Muslims have the fantasy of marrying a convert. I strongly advise you get over that fantasy right now. Marrying a convert is not as easy as you think but the hard work will make you appreciate and love each other. It is hard for me to advise on what to expect when marrying a male convert, so I will do my best to advise both genders about marrying a convert.

If they partied and drank with you, Do Not Expect Them to Stop

Brothers do not expect your girlfriend, who parties with you to convert for you, in hopes that the brother’s parents will approve of him marrying her. Sisters, it is none of my business if you convert for your husband— that’s between you and God. Also, do not expect her to stop the party life.

Don’t marry “Jenny the party girl” and expect her to turn into Khadijah just because she converted.

Often times after these women convert for their boyfriends or husbands, I often see the brother getting irritated that his kids are not being raised in an Islamic away, or that his wife doesn’t want to quit partying and drinking for him. The whole time, he wants an already-devout Muslim.  I often see these marriages ending in divorce. 

Do Not Expect Them or Force Them to Change

Converts are from different cultures than born Muslims. Do not expect a convert to adapt to your culture right away or at all. I say culture because often times people let their culture get in the way of their religion. This happens to the point, they forget which is which. Do not forget, Converts were raised in a different way than you. Converts were and are not raised in a Muslim, Arab, or Pakistani way, etc. 

Also, do not expect them to change. You both need to meet each other halfway. You should be more understanding of the way your convert significant other was raised. Do not expect they will change and do not force them to change. Anytime you force someone to do something, you are oppressing them. Most often this backfires. So, save yourself the time because it will not work.

Do Not Fear She will Leave Islam

Some Muslims who marry converts say that they are worried their spouse will leave Islam and become a Christian again. Maybe, you are not secure about your Islam and don’t practice it properly, so you think she’ll leave the religion. If you are so worried about that, maybe you should be a better Muslim and spouse; then they will never want to leave Islam. That means you should worry about your own faith, before you worry about hers.

Do Not Marry a Convert for Selfish Gain 

Us converts are not “good deed tokens” you can just receive to get into heaven. God loves humble people.  If you are expecting to get good deeds for selfish reasons, don’t waste your time. What I see more often than not is that after a brother marries a convert, he will only teach the basics about Islam, then give up teaching her. He will say it’s too much work or she’s not trying hard enough. Also, don’t expect that converts don’t know anything about Islam.  I researched Islam for three years before I converted.

Be Supportive and Understanding

Converts rarely have and have any support from their family. This does not give you grounds to control or manipulate a convert. Having no family that supports you can be a constant emotional roller-coaster. When marrying a convert, you need to keep in mind you may be all they have. Do not take advantage of her not having a wali. Be the best you can be. Be loving, supportive, and be a good listener.

Teach Them about Islam and Follow Through

To be honest, I chose to be with a born Muslim so they could teach me about Islam. Some Muslims like to marry converts, so they can teach them about Islam. They may help them memorize a surah chapter of quran) or two, then just give up. Do not give up. Do not tell them you do not have time or it is too hard. Make time for them.

I hear from almost every female convert that her husband wanted to marry a convert so he can teach her about Islam. Then after awhile, he stops teaching her about Islam. Do not promise something and do another.

It will Not Be Easy

Marrying a convert is not a piece of cake. Yes, it is nice that converts often seek the religion and are so in love with Islam. Just know, there will be tears. There will be times because you are so frustrated with each-other because of your different cultures. 

The good will way out the bad in the end because of the love and appreciation you will both have for one another.